It's said he who doesn't remember history is doomed to repeat it.
Well, how does that explain cable television? Vanilla Ice has a new
"Greatest Hits" album just out that redefines both the words "Greatest"
and "Hits" simultaneously! That shows more genius than his entire
career. But be warned, if you celebrate his banal awfulness, you will
only be further rewarded with more of the same. The MC Hammer comeback
will spring into full force. Nelly will re-find his magical band-aid
and Fred Durst will be given a reason to exist. We need to save the
planet now. I don't want to say that ignoring Will Smith can have the
same effect on the environment as cutting down greenhouse gas
emissions, but what if it turned out to be true?
Here are the 25 Worst Rappers of All-Time. We might have a 26th to add if Bill Cosby gets his act together and releases the "rap" album he threatens!
25) Chicago Bears: The Chicago Bears are a professional football team based in Chicago, Illinois. In 1985, before
winning the Super Bowl they daringly commemorated their proud
achievement with "The Super Bowl Shuffle," a rap tune that made this
group of on the field tough guys look like an ineffective glee club.
Did they really psych out their opponents with this? So why didn't they
record a follow-up? They didn't win the Super Bowl the next year.
Honorable mention goes to the Miami Dolphins, the San Francisco 49ers,
the L.A. Raiders, the Cincinnati Bengals and the L.A. Rams, other
football teams who couldn't resist the urge to kick back a few beats
and look more than a little silly.
24) Bubba Sparxxx: Cut
from much of the same cloth as Fred Durst, here's another earnest white
boy looking to earn his street cred by exhibiting talents he doesn't actually have.
You know how a kid will brag that his TV is bigger than your TV and
then never get around to showing you this "Big TV"? That's kind of what
a Bubba Sparxxx album is like. You keep hearing about how cool and
assured he is, but you never actually hear any music that backs up the
claim. Guest appearing on tracks by Limp Bizkit and Justin Timberlake
should make you very nervous, despite some legit rappers claiming he's
OK.
23) Mike Jones: He
can't rap, but he sure knows how to make friends. Putting his cellphone
number on his T-Shirts ensured that Mike would never be lonely. But can
you really trust a rapper whose track "Houston Dynamo (Don't Play)" is
the official team anthem for the Houston Dynamos? A soccer team?
22) Bobby Jimmy And The Critters: In
the 1980s, it was only a matter of time before someone decided to
parody rap music. Weird Al was slow on the draw here. So this Los
Angeles group did the honors with such "timeless" classics as "Gotta
Potty," "Ugly Knuckle Butt" and "Somebody Farted." I know it sounds
pretty good, classy even, but fart jokes get old quick no matter who's
doing the telling.
21) 2 Live Crew: Oh,
I know they stand for the first amendment. And "Me So Horny" deserves
its rightful place in our cultural lexicon. But take away the
historical importance and the one-joke wonder of it all and you're left
with a crew of dudes who had to break up before everyone figured out
they didn't know what the hell they were doing.
20) Nelly: Whoa, Nelly! Yeah, the band-aid was a great gimmick
and noting that when it gets hot, it's man's natural instinct to want
to take off his clothes, well, that's priceless, too. Maybe his next
album Brass Knuckles, slated for release in a few months,
will show us a new side to this flat-screen rapper. Surely, he's had
time to find qualified producers and to bone up on his diction to make
it sound like something more than reading off of cue cards.
19) Dan Aykroyd And Tom Hanks: Dan
Aykroyd at least can claim he's a comedian but Tom Hanks is just an
actor who's been cast in comedic roles and worn dresses. "City Of
Crime" runs through the credits of their 1987 film Dragnet
and they even made a video for it, suggesting they had ideas of
branching out beyond their acting community. The hip-hop community
apparently didn't welcome them with open arms, saving us from further
inept endeavors. They make Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase, Joe Piscopo
and Eddie Murphy's rap attempts sound nearly legitimate by comparison.
That's going some!
18) Chingy: You
know an "artist" is really hitting a nerve when they inspire an
onslaught of negative reviews at every website you visit. The consensus
seems to be: "This guy's beats are terrible and his lyrics are stupid,
degrading and barely literate at best." And we're guessing that came
from his mom. I didn't need to read all 385 one star reviews
to be tipped off to just how much other people don't admire this man's
talent. To think he owns houses in multiple cities, partners a
restaurant in Miami and has appeared on The George Lopez Show as himself! Someone's got a bit of explaining to do.
17) Elvira: Cassandra
Peterson had a perfectly legitimate career as "Elvira" the devilishly
seductive vampire. Had she formed a Goth Metal group, it might have
made sense, but in 1988 she opted for "The Elvira Rap," a charmingly
inept attempt at doing what she does poorly. But she didn't stop there.
"The Monsta' Rap" followed. Fool us once, shame on us. Twice, it's your
problem, sista!
16) Insane Clown Posse: Face
paint, bad rap-metal, once out of rhymes begin spraying their audiences
with soda, Insane Clown Posse have all the hallmarks of a bad hype and
the terrible, terrible records to back it up. Violent J and Shaggy 2
Dope don't do much of anything well. Which explains why they hide their
true identities. They make Kiss, their obvious influence, seem like the
apex of modern culture in comparison. On the bright side, perhaps it's
ICP's lame attempts at rap that have stopped Kiss and their accountants
from considering a similar move.
15) Rappin' Duke: Any
rapper who boasts of working the mic at Ponderosa isn't likely to be
taken seriously. His other claim in his self-titled rap ‘Rappin' Duke"
that Kurtis Blow and Run DMC wouldn't have heard of rap were it not for
the "Rappin' Duke" is as ludicrous as his boast that no rapper would
exist after him. The Rappin' Duke never had a career beyond this single
(there is a second single believe it or not called "The Duke Is Back"
on famed Tommy Boy Records, but he apparently was not, in fact,
"back"). That's what you get when you choose John Wayne as your point
of hip-hop reference. Sorry, partner.
14) Master P: It
isn't until you get to the chorus of Master P's Grammy-winning hit
"Make ‘Em Say Ugh" that you realize just how bad this is going to be. P
doesn't show much promise on the verses, but the guttural, food
poisoning groan of nausea that provides the tune with its "hook," is
among the genre's dumbest and least appealing. He has made a career out of moaning "Ugh." Of course, this success has been off the chart, ranking him in Forbes
as one of the most successful entertainers and entrepreneurs.
Thankfully, he now serves as a Youth Ambassador for the NAACP, a move
that should lead to fewer musical endeavors. Only God Can Judge Me may be the name of one of his albums, but I prefer to let the people decide this one.
13) Tony Yayo: Being
the weakest link in any ensemble brings its own cross to bear. Why do
you think Professor Griff was always the most annoyed member of Public
Enemy, after all? As a member of G-Unit, Yayo was clearly the caboose
of the group. If he really calls his latest album I Am 50's Tax Write-Off,
which wouldn't be a bad idea, it would save the IRS time when the audit
comes due and blatantly remind everyone he was in a group with 50 Cent.
A better idea than Thoughts Of A Predicate Felon. The guy goes to prison on a weapons possession charge, but decides it's better to hype being an Outlaw Of Grammar?
12) Northern State: While
some people assume that anyone who can speak can rap, it's not quite
that easy. Just as a singer must master pitch and tone, a rapper needs
to sound natural. Nothing about this female Long Island trio ever
sounds natural. They don't try to pretend they're anything they're not.
But being well-educated, literate nerds from Long Island who name-check
Al Gore doesn't for convincing rappers make. Grabbing Ad-Rock from the
Beastie Boys to produce their album doesn't lend "credibility" either.
It looks desperate. And having your tracks featured on Grey's Anatomy is just weird.
11) Shaquille O'Neal: Now
I love watching Shaq stand over the basketball net and push the ball in
with his hand. Being 12 feet tall has its advantages. Rapping isn't one
of them. It doesn't make you sound better. If a midget like the Geto
Boys' Bushwick Bill can get it so right, how is it that Shaq could get
it so wrong? Well, as Bushwick would tell you "Size Ain't (expletive
deleted)." Sure he can wax personal "Biological Didn't Bother" but bad
puns like "Can't Stop the Reign" and "Blaq Supaman" (that's not even a
pun, that's goofy spelling) just don't quite match up to what he's
capable of on the basketball courts.
10) Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch: I believed them when they rapped "I Need Money." That sounded like the truth. But I draw the line when they title an album Music For The People. Why? What did the people ever do to you, Marky Mark? We certainly didn't ask for this music and if we did we should have been more specific. We wanted it to be better,
that's for sure. But Marky Mark saw it coming. He knew he had a better
career in underwear ads (calling David Beckham!) and in movies. Which
is why we don't get to enjoy any new music from him anymore. Somehow, I think we'll make it.
9) K-Fed: When
being married to Britney Spears is your greatest artistic
accomplishment, you join a long line of Yoko Onos waiting for their
eventual artistic validation. Someday, an ironic hip-hop group will no
doubt celebrate Playing With Fire, Kevin Earl Federline's
debut album. But for now, we're content to pretend it never happened.
We'll let him keep custody of his children, but he must promise us to
never make another album for as long as he shall live.
8) Will Smith: The
people who vote in the Grammy Awards might very well be drunk when they
do so. Or maybe they don't listen to the records they vote for. Now rap
music wasn't really enjoyed by the "establishment" back in the 1980s,
so they were primarily guessing at what the "kids" were listening to.
And "Parents Just Don't Understand" was obviously a pretty "wacky"
"rebellious" little number with all that clever rhyming! And Will Smith
was certainly still "safe" enough to not inspire too much controversy.
Which is exactly why he's a lousy rapper. And why Smith got out of
there and into acting before everyone caught on.
7) Mr. T:
Yes, I pity the fool who thought Mr. T had a career singing, rapping
and wearing extremely short camouflage shorts and stretched to the knee
tube socks while telling you to treat your mother right. From his
instructional video Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool. Why take advice from a guy who seems to have opted for the latter?
6) Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit): You have to question anyone who participates in a group that applauds its own erectile dysfunction. "Rap-metal" sounds
like a bad idea, even before you hear how poorly it's executed. Ice-T
couldn't pull it off with Body Count and these clowns can't even get
the metal part right. So you can only imagine what happens when a
rhythmically challenged singer attempts to show his "street cred" by
enlisting the help of Method Man, who should've known better than to
associate with a group whose stage props have included playing in a
toilet. Some hints are more than hints.
5) Puff Daddy: P.
Diddy, Puff Daddy, no matter what name you give him, his rapping
doesn't improve. Sure, he's been a successful entrepreneur. Apparently,
he can sell anything. He sold the idea of talking over a perfectly
legitimate hit single by the Police as one of his own creations and
winning a Grammy for his troubles. Again, are these people drunk when
they vote?
4) Dee Dee King: As
the bass player for the Ramones, Dee Dee Ramone was very good at
counting off "1-2-3-4" and then playing his bass notes very fast. He
didn't sing particularly well, but as a punk rocker he didn't need to.
He wrote a handful of great songs. But then he decided he wanted more.
He wanted to escape the artistic box that was the Ramones and establish
his own identity--as a rapper! We only acknowledge what Dee Dee himself
acknowledged. He truly was the "baddest rapper in Whitestone, Queens."
R.I.P.
3) Brian Austin Green: Brian Austin Green from the hit TV program Beverly Hills 90210
released a rap album in 1996 with tracks such as "That's Right"
featuring the Black Eyed Peas, "Style Iz It," "Didn't Have A Clue" and
"Beauty and Da Beats." I believe these titles reflect his passion.
And if "sounds great while sleeping in a shopping mall" can be
construed as a compliment, then I'm among his biggest fans and--though
I hadn't realized it until now--have been anxiously awaiting his
"comeback" for 12 years now!
2) MC Hammer: "U
Can't Touch This" was first described to me as someone repeatedly
yelling "Stop, It's Hammer Time!" over Rick James' "Superfreak."
Sounded like a bad idea. Sounded like a bad joke. Then I heard it. MC
Hammer went on to sell millions of albums. Some people even took to
dressing like him. Yet somehow he never managed to turn this into
another marketing line, not even for glasses. That's how he ended up on
reality TV, I guess.
1) Vanilla Ice: Whether
Suge Knight ever actually dangled Robert Van Winkle, Mr. Vanilla Ice,
from a balcony or not, the point intended is an important one: STOP
MAKING RAP RECORDS. "Ice Ice Baby" isn't so much a bad song as simply
an insult. Instead of making a low-rent porn video, Ice makes Cool As Ice, a film so bad it almost makes you wish he'd stuck to making records.
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